Sometimes I think it would be easier if when I gave birth to my first child. I was handed an instruction manual on "How To Raise Your Child The Right Way". But I was not given any manual. I was sent home with a little boy and then another little boy and another and then a little girl. Each time there was no manual. Any even though I had 4 kids I still do not know. I only do what I feel is right thing to do for my children. I will admit my mom is on speed dial and I probably called her thousands of time with a billion questions. Is this okay mom? It looks like this mom, What do I do mom? I wonder if my child will one day call me with question on life.
I'm like every other new mom who wants to do it all by the book. But what makes the book right? Some writer who is and educated with an degree on children and parenting or behavior. I always wanted to be that mom that did all those fun activities with there kids through out there day. Where every one is all happy and excited and singing songs and life is just PERFECT. You know what I mean just like you see on T.V or in a magazine. Like the Brady Bunch where at the end of the day there was always a lesson learned. But when I watch it, I am not thinking of how does Mrs. Brady do it? I am thinking how does Alice do it? A whole household and six kids and still managed to keep her cool.
I will admit it I chose to stair step my children. I did not always want kids. But I am so glad that I have them. A lot of my friends had there kids early in life but for me I did not find Mr. Right until later. So I wanted my children before I was 40. Considering the medical issues that run in my family I was not sure that I was even able too. What are you suppose to think when a doctor tell you, you have unexplained infertility. What does that mean? You are healthy but we do not know why you cannot get pregnant. Just made me want to have them while I could before I couldn't. So my life is chaos by my own choice. And I am very happy I really am but this momma has her ups and downs like everyone else. Taking on the job of a stay at home mom is the hardest job I have ever taken on. It is emotionally and physically exhausting. Everything i do is a project and takes me time to do it. Even loading the car and going to the store. I feel bad that I cannot take them all to museums and all everyday teaching them every single thing there is to be known. But I only have two hands and they total 8 hands and 8 legs. I am so scared the way things are these days that someone will take my child. So Yes, I keep them home. I take them out in the yard to play and let them run through my house. Whatever makes them happy. Of course their are rules. I try to do family things on weekends to get them out and I do try and give each one of them attention. The amount of yelling I do in a day sometimes I am surprised that my children come near me. My mom tells me April they are so use to your yelling and so on. That they can read you like a book they know when and how not to push your buttons. I suppose she is right. I still want to be that perfect mom that never raises her voice and when i say no the child listens and that is that. Is that even possible? Not in this household. I could bet anyone one my kids try my patients on a daily basis to get a rise out of me. UGH!
Damn! I need an Alice big time I will pay any price. :)
Between the never ending laundry, dish, picking up toys, cleaning butts, No's and Yes, Please and Thanks you. There is just not enough time in my day.
At the end of that evening I stand in the hot shower letting the water just beat down on me and I break. I cry and cry and cry. I cry for feeling like a failure to my children, I cry for the disappointment in myself, I cry for being weak, I cry for my husband, I cry for not trying hard enough. I just cried! Been awhile since I really cried. What a great stress relief for me. I have to say I do feel somewhat better. I guess I am only human and these things happen. They build and build and build until you break. I broke and I still think I am little broken but I am working on it. I just want to be happy with happy kids. When I think about it I love my family. I love my kids. I love my life.
So what is the problem... I'm not sure I think I am just human always thinking the grass is greener on the other side. But I am TRYING!!
Thanks for listening to me go on and on babbling. It just helps to get it out no matter who is listening.
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